The Hallmarks of Friend Zone

To this alien, friend zone seems to mean an otherwise nice guy and an otherwise good girl faking a half-baked platonic friendship over a long period of time (months, usually years) while one side harbors hidden romantic intentions, presumably in an often successful attempt to waste their fleeting youth.

One curious term that I learned in American culture, especially American Christian culture, is the dreaded "friend zone".

For sure, "orbiters", the American term for hopeful (or hopeless) eligible gentlemen hovering around and pampering pretty eligible ladies, are common in Asia, but typically (as I recalled in my time), the romantic intentions of Asian orbiters are more or less transparent. I suppose orbiting, which involves guys evolving around one girl, is universal, while friend-zoning, which involves a guy and a girl going round and round in circles, is distinctly American (Read more on Friend zone is not Christian).

The hallmarks of friend zone
It took me a while to grasp the American concept of friend zone; indeed I cannot say I have fully comprehended this strange phenomenon. To this alien, friend zone seems to mean an otherwise nice guy and an otherwise good girl faking a half-baked platonic friendship over a long period of time (months, usually years) while one side harbors hidden romantic intentions, presumably in an often successful attempt to waste their fleeting youth. Some contrived hallmarks of friend zone include:

• Long hours of texting, phone conversations, and hanging out that doubles as uncanny  energy-transfer sessions, ending in one side feeling empowered and rejuvenated and the other feeling completely drained
• One side feeling a strong constant urge to proudly announce to everyone who may or may not care that they are just friends and shall forever be friends blah blah blah, while the other remains silent with soulful, sad eyes that would have been cute on a wrinkly little pug on an organic diet (but alas, s/he is not a puppy, so they only look sad, period)
• One side feeling extreme comfort and security that by definition, an actual romantic relationship can never provide, while the other feels intense discomfort and insecurity that is strangely comforting and hope-inducing
• Both sides, who otherwise may have commitment issues, silently committing to each other in such arrangement with inhuman loyalty
• The secure side generously doling out pseudo compliments such as "you are such a great friend/pet/plant/whatever" or "a girl and/or guy (but not me) will be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend/girlfriend/carpet/whatever" whenever s/he sensed a slight hint of waver or doubt on the other side regarding the comfortable arrangement
• The insecure side engaging in endless internal monologue documenting his/her pain and struggles and the 100 reasons (which usually boils down to just one) why leaving is absolutely not an option, in the grand tradition of the Great Dostoevsky (if you don't know who he is, now you know you should)

Did reading that give you a lovely headache? Why, writing it gave me a headache. In fact, friend zone is one giant headache and heartache, and the American Church seems to have become one giant jolly friend zone.